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Eviction of Adam and Eve

Found in Arrows 87 (Summer 1964, edited by Roger Ebbatson) this amusing piece about Adam and Eve. The magazine was produced by Sheffield University Union and had poems articles, graphics etc., This squib was by Peter Mottley (1935-2006) who became an actor, director and playwright.

Eviction by Peter Mottley.

Dear Mr. Adam,

I am instructed by my client to serve the enclosed eviction order concerning the property you now occupy.

He feels that he is justified in this action in view of your recent behaviour, which constitutes a breach of the terms of your lease.

You will remember the Clause 4 in your lease permitted you full access to the garden on condition that you undertook 'to dress it and keep it', and that my client generously allowed you to take for your own use any of the fruits and flower which grow there. However, he specified quite plainly that you were not under any circumstances to touch the prize-winning fruit tree in the south-east corner. This clause has been broken quite blatantly by your wife, who has freely admitted taking fruit from this tree. Her excuse, that she thought it would be all right, is considered by my client to be inadequate.

I should also like to add that I personally resent your wife's insinuation that I not only gave her permission to take the fruit, but actually encouraged her to do so.

My client also feels that he can no longer tolerate the shameless way in which both you and your wife use the garden for the purpose of sunbathing in the nude. Though he admits that this has ceased since the incident of the tree, he is not prepared to risk any lowering of the value of the property should further incidents of this nature occur.

He asks me to express his regret that his eviction should come at such an adverse time - so shortly after your own operation for the removal of a rib, and during your wife's pregnancy - but feels that he has no alternative.

If you have not vacated the property by the specified date, Messrs Michael and Gabriel (Bailiffs) Ltd. will be instructed to take possession.

I remain sir,

Your obedient serpent

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