No Hang Ups—funny answering machine messages

ansaphone picThis is a paperback published in California and written by two American stand up comedians, John Carfi and Cliff Carle, of ‘ funny ‘ messages that could be left on answering machines. It appeared in 1983, which means that quite a few of the jokes might not be acceptable in the more PC climate of 2018.

Hi, JANE here. Before you leave your message, I just want to mention that a friend of mine who lives in New York had to go to a specialist in San Francisco for a heart transplant. He just got back today—now there’s a guy who really “ left his heart in San Francisco!”


Hello. This is JOHN’s residence. I’m out fixing my wife’s car. There’s about a hundred things wrong with it —whenever she was driving and heard a strange noise, she just turned up the radio.



Hi, this is JOHN. I’m playing golf again. I went yesterday for my first time and played with these so-called ‘ pros!’. After 18 holes, they scored in the low 70’s. You call that professional? It only took me 3 holes to score 70!




Hi, I’m at the gym lifting weights. Hey, I’m getting pretty strong! I’ve been at it only a month and already I can tear a telephone billin half!




Hi, I went to visit my cousin. What a turkey! He’s been bragging about how he’s a hot-shot model—doing photo sessions. So I asked to see some of his work—he showed me a “wanted poster!”


Hi, You know, my travels recently took me to Africa where I met a colourful Ubangi native who told me a very funny joke. Goes like this: “ Da-boola boola boola? Da-boola boola boo !”. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Get it?




Finally, a witty observation on the game we call football, but which Americans call soccer.

Hi, I’m gone again. Yesterday I went to my first Soccer game. You know, I figured out how those foreigners invented it. They stole ideas from a bunch of American sports and made it into one game! Check it out: Soccer is 22 guys wearing tennis outfitsand track shoes, kicking a volleyballon a football field into an ice hockeygoal, but instead of baseballbats, they use their heads!




It seems that the two authors of these gags are still at it. According to his website Carfi is playing to packed houses as a stand-up, while Carle has become a successful ghost-writer, editor and joke merchant. [R.M.Healey]



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *