At a Tuesday audience Tony Blair raised the subject of what he called ‘the Golden Jubilee’. ‘My Golden Jubilee,’ the Queen gently corrected.
An escort commander allowed his horse to block the crowd’s view of the Queen too often. From inside the carriage, the Queen said, ‘ Actually, Captain, I think it’s me they’ve come to see.’
In 1958 the practice of presenting debutantes at Court was finally dropped. It was really too absurdly snobbish and outdated. But Princess Margaret took a different view.’ We had to put a stop to it’, she said.’ Every tart in London was getting in .’
Queen Mary often asked,’ How’s your poor mother ?’or ‘How’s your poor daughter ?’In fact, she used this adjective’ poor’ so frequently that people began to wonder to whom it did not apply. Eventually, someone crocked it. ’Poor’ meant anybody who wasn’t royal.
The Chairman of the Milk Marketing Board was showing the Queen around an artificial insemination unit when her eye was caught by something unpleasant in a jar.’ What’s that?’, she inquired. ‘It’s a cow’s vagina, ma’am.’ The Queen didn’t blink. ‘Ask a silly question!’, she said.
Awkward conversation was being made at Buckingham Palace during the State Visit of General de Gaulle and his wife. Somebody asked Madame de Gaulle what she was most looking forward to in her retirement, which was imminent. With great elaboration, not speaking English much at all, she replied, ‘A penis.’ Consternation reigned for some time, but it was the Queen herself who came to the rescue.’ Ah, happiness’, she said.
Queen Mary’s visits to country houses were dread by their owners. It was understood that if she took even a glancing interest in an antique it was hers. In this manner, she acquired, among other things, a priceless Queen Anne cupboard. She was not without scruples, however. So that the whole thing might be looked upon as a swap, she sent the people in return, something equivalent—a tin tray which, as she explained in the accompanying letter, ‘ I bought myself from a stall in Benares.’
When she was Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher was troubled to find that, at a reception, both she and the Queen were wearing green. She sent a note round the next day: would it be an idea if the two ladies` wee to confer about their outfits in future? When the reply came it said, ‘The Queen does not notice what other people are wearing .’
When Hugh Scanlon of the TUC lunched with the Queen in the 1960s, he managed to project a roast potato from his plate on to the floor. It looked as if his hostess had not noticed and, what was more, one of the corgis was approaching and would surely consume it. But the corgi, taking its time, made a lengthy inspection, and then waddled away.’ It’s not your day, is it?’, remarked the Queen.
A Labour minister in Harold Wilson’s government, called to Balmoral for a Privy Council meeting, felt uncomfortable when he saw that all the other ministers were in appropriate Scottish wear and he wasn’t. But the Queen was charming. Pointing at his chest, she commented, ‘How useful a string vest is.’
A country lady was once visiting a well-known boutique in London’s West End when she realised that the person riffling through the racks next to her was the Queen. She was so astonished that she wet herself. The Queen had to be led away in helpless laughter and encouraged to sit down on the back stairs. When she had recovered enough to speak, she said, ‘ It happens so often’.
When offered a choice of champagne or dry martini by Colin Clark, the younger son of Sir Kenneth, the Queen Mother said, ‘ They look so delicious, I’ll have both.’
A woman who had just been splattered with mud by the passing royal car shouted at its occupants. ‘I quite agree with you, madam, said the Queen. The Duke of Edinburgh, who had not heard the woman’s remark, asked his wife what she had said.’ Bastards!’ said the Queen simply.
Prince Charles’s line of questioning on formal occasions can be surprising. He once asked a soldier, whose young and attractive wife was also present, if they had any children. The soldier replied that they did not but they were keeping their fingers crossed. Prince Charles explained that that was not how babies are made
Leaning out of the Royal Box at Epsom to an unknown member of the public, the Queen said, ‘Oh look there‘s my friend. He kissed my hand the other day.’
Royal staff often take advantage of the facilities. On one occasion two artistic young footmen took over the Queen’s private sitting room at Sandringham. They became very excited and set about playing show tunes on the piano, singing and eating the Queen’s Bendick mints. But suddenly they were aware of a presence in the doorway. It was Her Majesty. She stood there for some moments, then went away. The incident was never referred to subsequently.
When at last the police arrived to relieve the Queen after she had held out alone against Michael Fagan for the best part of ten minutes, quite naturally on seeing Her Majesty, and before doing anything else, they began to adjust their ties. For the Queen, this was the last straw. ‘For goodness sake, get a bloody move on’, she hissed.
Visitors at Clarence House were often mystified by a school-like bell that would ring all over the house at a certain point in the evening .’ Oh, it means the “Queen Mother is going to bed ‘, staff would explain nonchalantly.
When homophobia was ranging in the press in the early 1980s, the Queen Mother whispered to a friend before a Palace dinner, We think they’re marvellous. And besides, if we didn’t have any here, we’d have to go self-service.’
R. M. Healey
To be continued…