Another helping of misprints and syntactic fatuity from Much too Funny for Words by Denys Parsons ( 1985)

It is generally agreed that human beings acquire sleeping sickness from biting flies

The Pioneer.

It is estimated that about 16 foxes were shot or killed by the hounds

FOR SALE. Baker’s business, good trade, large oven, present owner been in it for seventeen years.

                                           FATHER OF TEN SHOT


                                               MISTAKEN FOR RABBIT

Headline in New York paper.

What is more beautiful for the blonde to wear for formal dances than while tulle? My

Answer—and I’m sure you will agree with me—is ‘ Nothing’.

Worcester ( Massachusetts) Evening Gazette.

Mr Lloyd George, patron saint of the Liberal Party, was a very astute gentleman with both ears glued to the ground. Naturally, he could not see very far ahead.

Scottish paper

A representative said that people saw in the movement a real big octopus which would put its ring around them and swallow them up.

Essex paper

This criticism is not open, as Britishers would be, and consequently is difficult to nail down, but, lie a snake in the grass, is whispered behind a hand which covers a sneering face.

Letter in Rugeley Mercury

In the first important utterance of the Chairman of the Board, he has, so to say, thrown the Board overboard and ploughed his own canoe.

Ceylonese Paper.

Said a Farnborough shopkeeper, ‘ The Council is pulling the bread and butter from under our feet’.

Farnborough Paper.

The great white elephant which is slowly emerging from the chrysalis at the end of Sepoy Lines has yet to be opened.

Malayan Paper

The rich man’s motor may sow the seed of the class war, but the landlord’s horse yielded the milk of human kindness.

Bradford Paper.

‘Gentlemen, we will have nothing to do with it; it is but the thin end of a white elephant.’

Hampshire Town Councillor.

Speaking at Mablethorpe Council meeting, Councillor P. Thomas said: ‘ This Council is fiddling while Mablethorpe is settling under the pounding hoofs of motorists.’

Local Paper.

Fortunately for the workmen the glass fell perpendicularly, for had it fallen vertically, the accident in all probability would have proved serious.

Taraniki Daily News.

McVeigh hesitated. His eyes flickered over Reilly’s face, dropped to the floor, went back to the papers. He picked them up, arranged them neatly, laid them down carefully.

Magazine story.

We might quote you extracts from our roomful of unsolicited testimonials, but an ounce of fact is worth a ton of fiction.

From a circular.

Dr John M. Charlesworth replaced the medical equipment he took with him into the Army four and a half years ago, gave birth to a daughter at the office today and sat back to resume civilian practice.

Boston Paper.

Pianos, mangles, lawn-mowers or other musical instruments will be welcome.

Parish Magazine

I oiled up the cylinders well before cranking, and also checked over the ignition system well, including a spirited performance of ‘ We came from the mountains’ by Bach, and the sparking plugs. What do you think causes the engine to run unevenly?

Query in Motoring Paper.

Before Miss Jenkinson concluded the concert by singing ‘ I’ll walk beside you’ she was prevented with a bouquet of red roses.

Sussex Paper

During the past few days three bicycles have been stolen from Exeter streets. The police consider that a bicycle thief is at work.

Western Morning News.

One of Colorado’s oldest citizens, and a resident of Walsenberg for almost a century, died here yesterday. Mrs Quintana was 104 years old at the time of her death, her grandmother said.

Brockton ( Massachusetts) Enterprise-Times. 

Not until the doctors treated him did he lose consciousness

Sunday Paper

Come and see what we have to offer before finally purchasing elsewhere

Advert in local paper.

The letter pointed out that whereas there were definite allocations of oranges from time to time, the supply of demons was very short.

Northants Paper 

To be continued…


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