Forget the Season of Good Will. Behaving insultingly is much more fun. Over Christmas why not try out some of these stunts.
Insist on paying for everything in sterling.
Ask for local delicacies and leave them on your plate.
Drink Guinness or Scotch everywhere.
Wear your military decorations at all customs checks
Order a cup of tea at 9.00 p.m. in a pavement café on a Saturday night and sit over it for as long as you dare.
Wave back at policemen who whistle at you and wave their truncheons. ( Have your number plates covered in mud first!)
If there isn’t a queue form one by asking the cashier as many questions as you can think of until the people get fed up and either go out or move to another window.( Questions about holiday money just before Christmas are always a success.)
If there is a queue make it longer by writing your cheque incorrectly. Get the date wrong. Write another name by mistake and appear to see the fraud, enter a huge sum, say £10,000, and then change it to £10.00. Drop your pen, or lose it in your handbag while this is going on.
On the Beach.
Play your transistor very loud, but play Radio 3.
Take elaborate picnics with iced wine and proper cutlery, especially if you’ve noticed that everyone else is eating corned beef out of a tin.
Refuse to give any guests a drink on the grounds that it’s for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch on the grounds that you aren’t going anywhere and don’t have to worry.
Send no Christmas cards at all.
Send the television set to be serviced on Christmas Eve.
Fill the children’s stockings with ‘useful presents’—O level revision cards, that sort of thing.
Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.Continue reading